Laurel & Hardy got nothin on me

8am moving day.
I am sitting in my house, after dropping Chase at school, happily awaiting the promised 8:00 arrival of the moving van.

8:15am.
Them: "Rocky Mountain Transport, how may I help you?"
Me: (in a cheerful and expectant voice) "Yes, I know the truck is only 15 minutes late, but I'm just wondering if I can expect them soon?"
Them: "Oh, it was NEVER going to be 8am, it is scheduled for 10:30-11am."
Me: (slightly less cheerful but still pleasant) "Ok, well, I guess that will be ok. See them at 10:30."

11:15am
Them: "Rocky Mountain Transport, how may I help you?"
Me: (slightly more cheerful than the last time) "Hi, I know the truck is only 15 minutes late, but I am just wondering if I can expect them soon?"
Them: (extra cheerful and a little annoying) "Oh, let me call the driver and get an ETA for you. I will call you right back and give you a time to expect them."
Me: (even more cheerful) "Great, thanks."

Noon.
Them: "Rocky Mountain Transport, how may I help you?"
Me: (irritated and slightly snotty) "Yes, I have been waiting for a truck since 8am, I was told 45 minutes ago that you would get right back to me, and I am wondering at this point if you have absconded to Mexico with my credit card and the truck isn't coming." (yes, I really said that...)
Them: (loud, shouting voice, VERY irritated) "Ma'am, you need to calm down right now. This isn't our fault and I am tired of you calling and complaining about the truck. The truck will get there when it gets there, and we will call you when we know something!" (loud hang up)
Me: (oh, I am so freakin mad at this point, I can't even write the words I said or thought cause this is a FAMILY blog...)

1:00pm
My phone rings.
Me: (frostily) "Hello?"
Them: (cheerful and bright) "Hi, this is Evie from Rocky Mountain Transport and I'm calling to tell you that the truck will be there in 30 minutes."
Me: "Great." (this time, I hang up loudly on her)

1:45pm
Truck shows up. NOT a Bekins truck that I had ordered, not even a big truck at all - an old, crappy, broken down wood-paneled truck that says "Goff Moving and Storage." Who the heck is Goff? Four guys get out and start to take stuff out of my house. All of the boxes are out by 3pm, so I'm thinking, Great! They are working so hard, we'll be done by 6! My mood begins to lighten slightly.

6:00pm
The guys are on break number 45, and I swear Jason, the lead guy has smoked 3 packs of cigarettes. He also drops the ciggie butts on the street every single time he finishes one. Now, if you know me, you know that is a HUGE pet-peeve. Yes, maybe it's biodegradable, eventually, but I don't want to look at your nasty trash for the next 10 years while it degrades. Put.it.in.the.trash. Or let it biodegrade in your personal ashtray, but DO NOT use my driveway and street as your ashtray!!!! But I digress. In the first 2 hours, they did 6 hours of work. In the next 2 hours, they did 15 minutes of work. We are almost no closer now than we were at 3. My mood blackens significantly

8pm
There is stuff on the truck, there is stuff in my driveway, there is stuff upstairs, there is stuff downstairs, there is stuff in the basement and there is stuff in the BACKYARD and they are smoking again. I am considering killing these men.

8:30 pm
Me: "Um, you guys do know there is still furniture in the house, right?"
Them: "Oh, you mean the TV, yep, we're going to put that on the second truck."
Me: (second truck, what the heck are they talking about) "No, there is a dresser in one bedroom, a nightstand in the other bedroom, my BED in the master bedroom, the TV and TV stand in the living room, the Eliptical in the basement, four shelving units next to the eliptical and the wrought iron patio furniture, lawnmower and grill in the backyard."
Them: (taking a big drag from a cigarette, then crushing it on my driveway grrrrrrrr) "Oh, really? Hmm, ok, well, we should probably go get that stuff."
Me: (clenching my teeth and trying not to curse or become violent) "Yes, I think you should. (deep breath) Oh, and what do you mean second truck?"
Them: "Well, all of your stuff won't fit on this truck, so Vic is bringing another truck soon. He's about 15 minutes away."
Me: "Vic. Ok. Second truck. Ok. Are you going to drive both trucks to Vegas?"
Them: (laughing at my idiocy) "Oh, we aren't taking your stuff in THIS truck, we're going to move it into ANOTHER truck to drive it to Vegas." (laughing and more crushing of cigarettes in my driveway, yard and street)
Me: "Vic. Second truck. More moving of my stuff. Vegas. Cigarettes. Vic. 15 minutes. Ok."
(At this point, my friend Laura brings me a cold alcoholic beverage which helps me immensely.)

10:00pm
Vic shows up. They stop smoking cigarettes. They load the rest of my stuff on the second truck. There is no wrapping of furniture, there is no securing of anything. There is very little talking and a lot of smoking. I am silent and murderous.

10:30pm
Jason starts original truck up so they can leave. Truck will not start. Finally, he gets it started, and it will only go in reverse. I nearly start to laugh hysterically as I imagine him driving the truck backwards down C-470 to the black market where they plan to sell all of my things. I drink more of my alcoholic beverage. They siphon oil out of Vic's truck and put it in Jason's truck. Now, the truck will go forward and they leave.my.house.

I spend 15 minutes picking up their disgusting cigarette butts in the street (at least the ones I could see in the DARK) and go to my aunt and uncle's house to spend the night. I am exhausted and mutter murderous expletives as I fall into a coma in bed.

Suffice it to say, I am composing a letter to Bekins, and Rocky Mountain Transport that will be QUITE angry and VERY pointed, but I am NOT writing it until AFTER my things have arrived in Las Vegas. I cannot WAIT to give these people a piece of my mind. I talked to them again today about the delivery of my things, and I was sweet as pumpkin pie. I figure any complaining and the driver will be told to dump my stuff in the Grand Canyon on his way to Vegas.

Did I mention that divine hubby gets to receive the furniture on Wednesday? I wish him luck - I am currently hanging out with friends in Texas, and can't WAIT to hear the continuing saga. I do wish we had bought the insurance...