Yucky

Happy New Year!

Well, for me, it's not such a happy new year, yet.  Why, you ask?  Well...it's kinda hard to explain, but I'll try,

1.  Bottom line is that as a teacher, I'm feeling sad about having to get up for school again in exactly 24 hours.  I know, I know, no one is feeling sorry for me...nobody else gets two weeks off at Christmas.  I get it.  It's still part of my melancholy mood this morning.  I do enjoy teaching SO MUCH MORE this year than last year, but if you ask me if I LOVE IT, I'll have to say no.  I often look at the want ads and think about what other job I could do instead of teach.  Right now, I think I should be a television anchorwoman...especially if I'm going to be up at 3am anyway.

2.  I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't go back to sleep.  Been up since then.  The heater seems to be cycling on and off rapidly...just another thing to worry about, I guess.

3.  I had a nice visit with my family, and I miss them.  When I graduated from high school, I voluntarily moved as far away from home as I could, but in my old age (43), I find myself wishing I didn't live so very far away.  My brother and his family live only a few hours from my parents, and I will admit to feeling jealous that my parents can (and do) just go see them whenever they want to.  It's such a production to come all the way to the (almost) West Coast to see us, or vice versa.

4.  I have been reading books that make me feel yucky.  Yes, I know, I can fix that.

5.  I saw a (very good but) very violent movie TWICE over the holidays.  Voluntarily...but I feel kind of steeped in ickiness because of it.

6.  My sweet son is turning into a not-so-sweet teenager, and I HATE IT.  I love my kiddo, and we have always been close.  We really aren't close anymore, and it scares me.  I know some of this is natural, and I actually remember pulling away from my parents as a teenager, but the sullen, argumentative, and kinda sneaky kid who has moved into my kid's body needs to GO AWAY.  I want my baby back.

The bottom line is that I feel YUCKY.  It feels like the world is out to get me, and succeeding spectacularly.  It feels like my family is under attack, and we are failing miserably at defending ourselves.  It feels like my kids are slipping away, never to be heard from again, and I simply do not have the strength to reach out and grab them back.  It feels like I want to just be 12 again and start my life over.  Ok, maybe not 12...but you get the idea.

I.  Just.  Feel.  Yucky.